Monday, June 8, 2015

"Your will be done."

"God sees the tears of a brokenhearted soul
He sees your tears and hears them when they fall
God weeps along with man and He takes him by the hand
Tears are a language that my God, He understands."
-Gordon Jensen
 
 
"I think she has a fever again."
It was the middle of the night. Two o'clockish. 
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Yeah, I wanted to be a mommy. But I had signed up for a perfect baby. Hadn't we prayed EVERY night for our sweet baby to be strong and healthy? And, here we were, contemplating taking our six day old baby to the emergency room for the third time in a five day stretch.
Being a brand new mommy was supposed to be fun. I just wanted to cuddle my little one and enjoy getting to know her. It just wasn't supposed to be so... hard.
 
Group B Strep Meningitis. She had all the symptoms: the arched neck, the fever, the high pitched cry, and the seizures. That twitching, we had thought it odd, but we were told it was just her adjusting to the dryness of being out of the womb. Who were we to question a doctor?
 
 
Over the next two and a half weeks, while watching our wee princess fight for her life, my mouth said things like,
"Your will be done."
But inwardly I rebelled.
It was so unfair. What had our beautiful baby done to deserve such suffering? If God was allowing this to teach us something, well, why her and not us? And if anyone should suffer, what about the incompetent emergency room staff that could have prevented this in the first place. At times, I felt overcome with such peace, I knew God was there. Right there with us in that little room holding our baby when we couldn't. But, other times, like when Chris was praying for God's will to be done, my heart would lash out in anger. It was shocking. I didn't quite know how to deal with this frustration and complete helplessness.
 
Slowly she improved, and soon the day came where we were able to carry our little bundle out of the hospital with us. Oh, it was so good to be back in our own little home again. But, just a few days later, we received more unwanted news. Due to the meningitis leaving scars on her brain, Makenna's spinal fluid wasn't able to drain the way it should. She would need surgery to put a shunt in. Then would follow the months and years of CT scans and visits to the doctor to be sure everything was working as it should.
 
 
 Oh, how the tears flowed that night before the surgery. It seemed our little Makenna just couldn't catch a break. That everything that could go wrong, would go wrong. Where was our loving Heavenly Father? Didn't He hear, or care, when we had asked Him to heal her and make her strong? 
 
"Your will be done."
 
As the weeks went by, I was able to be okay with Kenna's sickness. I was no longer angry. I didn't understand, but I no longer felt like I HAD to know why this had happened. Just because God didn't handle the situation the way I would have preferred Him to, didn't mean that He didn't care.
 
Last night, I laid Makenna in her little bed; Chris and I sat there looking at her precious little face. Chris was talking to her, saying something about us watching over her and God watching over us. I asked,
"Do you think God watches over us with as much adoration as we watch over Kenna?"
"I think so."
"He can't. We do everything in our power to keep Makenna from harm and to let her feel loved. He lets bad things happen to her and us."
 
"Yeah, but He sees the big picture. We are watching over Kenna's well-being. He is watching over our souls."
 
The simple words hit home. 
It's not about only allowing good things to happen. It's not just about us "feeling" His care and love. It's about the big picture. 
 
 

No, I don't know how God has used and is using Makenna's sickness to care for our souls or the souls of others, but I am not doubting His goodness today. I don't have to understand. I just need to trust.
 
"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."
-Oswald Chambers
 
So, God, Your will be done. Today and always.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Friday, March 6, 2015

Marriage. One word. So much meaning packed into that one medium-sized word.

I've not been married for a great length of time, by any means. One year and three months. Not really long enough to be an expert on anything, but I'm learning. Learning what it means to belong to someone. To be vulnerable; to not hold back. To give. To share. To sacrifice. To devote my life to someone. To serve. To LOVE.

Marriage to Chris has given me a new perception of God and what it means to be His bride. I marvel over the love that Chris shows me every single day. His kindness to me. His thoughtfulness. How he provides so well for us, his little family. How easily and quickly he forgives and forgets my ugliness. How he never pressures me to "perform". Ever. His faithfulness. How he comforts me and holds me close to his heart when I cry. How I feel refreshed and ready to face life again after spending time with him. How he always encourages and lifts me up. How he wakes up with me when I drag this eight months pregnant self to the restroom several times a night, and tucks me back in among my pillows. NEVER complaining. How he makes me feel beautiful and cherished, when I am aware there is nothing appealing about these swollen ankles and my newly acquired double chin. I could go on. For forever. About the tenderness and love he shows me, day after day.

What do I do in return? How do I show him what he means to me? How do I show my gratefulness for this unconditional love?

I give myself to him. All of me. I am fully aware of my inability to express all that he means to me. So I build my life around him. I learn to love the things that he loves. Because he demands it of me? No, never! Because I love him. So much that my heart hurts and can't hold it all.

He is my sun and my little world revolves around him.

"Where he goes, I will go;
And where he lodges, I will lodge;
His people, will be my people,
And His God, my God.
Where he dies, I will die,
And there I will be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
if anything but death parts you and me."
(Ruth 1:16-17)

Please, don't misunderstand me. He's not perfect. I'm not even close to perfect. Life in this household doesn't always run smoothly. There are times when we don't see the world through the same lenses. Times when, in frustration, we say things we regret. Times when we hurt one another.

But, I am his, and he is mine. And, never, not for a minute, do I doubt him or his love for me. Never, not for a minute, do I regret this marriage. This commitment. The vows we made to each other... to love, honor, and cherish... till death parts us.

This marriage, this relationship, has opened my eyes to a side of God I haven't fully understood. How He loves me, His bride. How tenderly He watches over me. How His heart has only my best in mind. How yearns to have me notice and appreciate His care and provision. His desire for my devotion in return. How I hurt him when I choose "others" or "things" above Him. Or worry about things I have no control over, rather than trust Him who holds the whole world in His hands...

It breaks my heart to think of the ways I failed. Failed to choose my "groom" after His faithfulness to me...

But, I find great comfort and joy in knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me. That He will always take me back into His loving care. That I can trust Him with my life and the lives of the ones I love.
 
 
Because God is good. All the time. 
 
And that is what has been on my mind the last several weeks, and the end of my ramblings for today. :)                                             
-Maac

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

 Ahh... the holidays are over and life is settling back into a more comfortable pace. It's not that I don't enjoy the whole holiday season, I really do. It's just nice to have life back to "normal" again. If there is such a thing as normal.

 Well, I waited for a long time to update this blog because I thought nothing interesting had happened. But, now it seems like so much has happened between now and the last time, that I don't even really know how to start. Why does blogging have to be so difficult? And why did I ever commit to doing it? I'm not a blogger! :)

 I don't know if I particularly made a specific New Years resolution this year, but I did determine that I will become a more organized woman. Mom had sent me a schedule book last fall and since I am crazy about planning things, I have been anxiously waiting for January so I can start writing in it. Now there is nothing new about me planning things, I do that a lot. BUT, this year, I intend to finish what I start. :) I just think it makes so much sense to have a plan. Especially with the little sugar plum making her appearance in April sometime, Lord willing. For example, living so far from real shopping, means that I often just run to the local grocer for supplies. Now there is nothing wrong with supporting local businesses, but this particular grocery store doesn't let their groceries go easily. I've found that by buying my groceries here, I could be spending close to double what I would be if I would run to Missoula. Now, the problem with driving so far to get groceries, is that, due to my lack of organization, I would come home with things I didn't need, and missing things I did need. So I would be spending the money I had saved by running into town, to purchase the supplies I had forgotten, in our local grocery store. Now, however, the new organized me, has begun to meal plan. Ahh! It's not super easy to plan a month of meals at a time. Yes, a month. Neither Chris or I am a fan of running into Missoula, especially this time of the year when the roads can be bad. So if I plan a month ahead, that means less trips, which also means less money wasted on gas for the road. I expect the meal planning will become easier once I've done it for a few months and can just look back at previous months for ideas. But, planning tasty, healthy meals for a whole month has been a bit of a challenge for me. This month has been our first attempt at it, so I guess I'll see how it works out. So far, I've enjoyed it. Although I've decided next time I'll write the schedule out in PENCIL, not pen, so I can make changes without scribbling all over my beautiful schedule book. Haha! I'm not particularly a perfectionist, I just have a few perfectionist tendencies.

 I could go on about how my new schedule includes a new look at spring/fall cleaning, but I figure I could be boring you with such mundane aspects of my life. Heehee. I will say this, washing trim along the floor at twenty-six weeks pregnant isn't as simple as you might think. I once read that you know you are pregnant if you bend over to pick something up off the floor and you look around to see if there is anything else that needs doing while you are down there anyway. It's true.

 We have been working on getting Makenna's room ready for her arrival. So far, we have purchased a crib and a glider to put in there. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR HER. It has taken great restraint on my part to not just go crazy and buy all the cute little girly things I see. I suppose it's a very good thing I live so far from town. Haha! She has gotten extremely active in the last few weeks. I had no idea that these little ones could kick so hard and not seem to get exhausted. Some nights I will wake up three to four times during the night, and each time she will be wiggling away. My doctor has to laugh every time she tries to listen to her heartbeat. Last time, the little girly gave a few swift kicks directly at the Doppler stethoscope thingy the doctor puts on my tummy. Apparently, she wasn't too pleased about something. I can hardly wait to meet her and see if she is really as feisty as she appears to be. :)

 I've been listening to the book of Genesis as I work the last few days and enjoying every minute of it. It has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible. It's just story after story of these amazing people, I find it inspiring. Today's story was of Abram and Sarai and the way God led them out of Ur. I had to marvel at Sarai and the way she followed Abram through everything. I wondered if she ever thought he was just plain crazy for leaving his homeland and traveling to an unknown city. I also had to wonder if I would be able to be as supportive of my husband as she appeared to be. I guess the Lord gives strength and grace in those times that you need it most. Just some random thoughts that I've been having this afternoon... :)

Until next time... Maac