"Your will be done."

"God sees the tears of a brokenhearted soul
He sees your tears and hears them when they fall
God weeps along with man and He takes him by the hand
Tears are a language that my God, He understands."

-Gordon Jensen

 

 

"I think she has a fever again."

It was the middle of the night. Two o'clockish. 

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Yeah, I wanted to be a mommy. But I had signed up for a perfect baby. Hadn't we prayed EVERY night for our sweet baby to be strong and healthy? And, here we were, contemplating taking our six day old baby to the emergency room for the third time in a five day stretch.

Being a brand new mommy was supposed to be fun. I just wanted to cuddle my little one and enjoy getting to know her. It just wasn't supposed to be so... hard.

 

Group B Strep Meningitis. She had all the symptoms: the arched neck, the fever, the high pitched cry, and the seizures. That twitching, we had thought it odd, but we were told it was just her adjusting to the dryness of being out of the womb. Who were we to question a doctor?

 

 

Over the next two and a half weeks, while watching our wee princess fight for her life, my mouth said things like,

"Your will be done."

But inwardly I rebelled.

It was so unfair. What had our beautiful baby done to deserve such suffering? If God was allowing this to teach us something, well, why her and not us? And if anyone should suffer, what about the incompetent emergency room staff that could have prevented this in the first place. At times, I felt overcome with such peace, I knew God was there. Right there with us in that little room holding our baby when we couldn't. But, other times, like when Chris was praying for God's will to be done, my heart would lash out in anger. It was shocking. I didn't quite know how to deal with this frustration and complete helplessness.

 

Slowly she improved, and soon the day came where we were able to carry our little bundle out of the hospital with us. Oh, it was so good to be back in our own little home again. But, just a few days later, we received more unwanted news. Due to the meningitis leaving scars on her brain, Makenna's spinal fluid wasn't able to drain the way it should. She would need surgery to put a shunt in. Then would follow the months and years of CT scans and visits to the doctor to be sure everything was working as it should.

 

 

 Oh, how the tears flowed that night before the surgery. It seemed our little Makenna just couldn't catch a break. That everything that could go wrong, would go wrong. Where was our loving Heavenly Father? Didn't He hear, or care, when we had asked Him to heal her and make her strong? 

 

"Your will be done."

 

As the weeks went by, I was able to be okay with Kenna's sickness. I was no longer angry. I didn't understand, but I no longer felt like I HAD to know why this had happened. Just because God didn't handle the situation the way I would have preferred Him to, didn't mean that He didn't care.

 

Last night, I laid Makenna in her little bed; Chris and I sat there looking at her precious little face. Chris was talking to her, saying something about us watching over her and God watching over us. I asked,

"Do you think God watches over us with as much adoration as we watch over Kenna?"

"I think so."

"He can't. We do everything in our power to keep Makenna from harm and to let her feel loved. He lets bad things happen to her and us."

 

"Yeah, but He sees the big picture. We are watching over Kenna's well-being. He is watching over our souls."

 

The simple words hit home. 

It's not about only allowing good things to happen. It's not just about us "feeling" His care and love. It's about the big picture. 
 
 

No, I don't know how God has used and is using Makenna's sickness to care for our souls or the souls of others, but I am not doubting His goodness today. I don't have to understand. I just need to trust.

 

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."

-Oswald Chambers

 

So, God, Your will be done. Today and always.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Marriage. One word. So much meaning packed into that one medium-sized word.

I've not been married for a great length of time, by any means. One year and three months. Not really long enough to be an expert on anything, but I'm learning. Learning what it means to belong to someone. To be vulnerable; to not hold back. To give. To share. To sacrifice. To devote my life to someone. To serve. To LOVE.

Marriage to Chris has given me a new perception of God and what it means to be His bride. I marvel over the love that Chris shows me every single day. His kindness to me. His thoughtfulness. How he provides so well for us, his little family. How easily and quickly he forgives and forgets my ugliness. How he never pressures me to "perform". Ever. His faithfulness. How he comforts me and holds me close to his heart when I cry. How I feel refreshed and ready to face life again after spending time with him. How he always encourages and lifts me up. How he wakes up with me when I drag this eight months pregnant self to the restroom several times a night, and tucks me back in among my pillows. NEVER complaining. How he makes me feel beautiful and cherished, when I am aware there is nothing appealing about these swollen ankles and my newly acquired double chin. I could go on. For forever. About the tenderness and love he shows me, day after day.

What do I do in return? How do I show him what he means to me? How do I show my gratefulness for this unconditional love?

I give myself to him. All of me. I am fully aware of my inability to express all that he means to me. So I build my life around him. I learn to love the things that he loves. Because he demands it of me? No, never! Because I love him. So much that my heart hurts and can't hold it all.

He is my sun and my little world revolves around him.

"Where he goes, I will go;
And where he lodges, I will lodge;
His people, will be my people,
And His God, my God.
Where he dies, I will die,
And there I will be buried.
The Lord do so to me, and more also,
if anything but death parts you and me."
(Ruth 1:16-17)

Please, don't misunderstand me. He's not perfect. I'm not even close to perfect. Life in this household doesn't always run smoothly. There are times when we don't see the world through the same lenses. Times when, in frustration, we say things we regret. Times when we hurt one another.

But, I am his, and he is mine. And, never, not for a minute, do I doubt him or his love for me. Never, not for a minute, do I regret this marriage. This commitment. The vows we made to each other... to love, honor, and cherish... till death parts us.

This marriage, this relationship, has opened my eyes to a side of God I haven't fully understood. How He loves me, His bride. How tenderly He watches over me. How His heart has only my best in mind. How yearns to have me notice and appreciate His care and provision. His desire for my devotion in return. How I hurt him when I choose "others" or "things" above Him. Or worry about things I have no control over, rather than trust Him who holds the whole world in His hands...

It breaks my heart to think of the ways I failed. Failed to choose my "groom" after His faithfulness to me...

But, I find great comfort and joy in knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me. That He will always take me back into His loving care. That I can trust Him with my life and the lives of the ones I love.

 

 

Because God is good. All the time. 

 

And that is what has been on my mind the last several weeks, and the end of my ramblings for today. :)                                             

-Maac

 Ahh... the holidays are over and life is settling back into a more comfortable pace. It's not that I don't enjoy the whole holiday season, I really do. It's just nice to have life back to "normal" again. If there is such a thing as normal.

 Well, I waited for a long time to update this blog because I thought nothing interesting had happened. But, now it seems like so much has happened between now and the last time, that I don't even really know how to start. Why does blogging have to be so difficult? And why did I ever commit to doing it? I'm not a blogger! :)

 I don't know if I particularly made a specific New Years resolution this year, but I did determine that I will become a more organized woman. Mom had sent me a schedule book last fall and since I am crazy about planning things, I have been anxiously waiting for January so I can start writing in it. Now there is nothing new about me planning things, I do that a lot. BUT, this year, I intend to finish what I start. :) I just think it makes so much sense to have a plan. Especially with the little sugar plum making her appearance in April sometime, Lord willing. For example, living so far from real shopping, means that I often just run to the local grocer for supplies. Now there is nothing wrong with supporting local businesses, but this particular grocery store doesn't let their groceries go easily. I've found that by buying my groceries here, I could be spending close to double what I would be if I would run to Missoula. Now, the problem with driving so far to get groceries, is that, due to my lack of organization, I would come home with things I didn't need, and missing things I did need. So I would be spending the money I had saved by running into town, to purchase the supplies I had forgotten, in our local grocery store. Now, however, the new organized me, has begun to meal plan. Ahh! It's not super easy to plan a month of meals at a time. Yes, a month. Neither Chris or I am a fan of running into Missoula, especially this time of the year when the roads can be bad. So if I plan a month ahead, that means less trips, which also means less money wasted on gas for the road. I expect the meal planning will become easier once I've done it for a few months and can just look back at previous months for ideas. But, planning tasty, healthy meals for a whole month has been a bit of a challenge for me. This month has been our first attempt at it, so I guess I'll see how it works out. So far, I've enjoyed it. Although I've decided next time I'll write the schedule out in PENCIL, not pen, so I can make changes without scribbling all over my beautiful schedule book. Haha! I'm not particularly a perfectionist, I just have a few perfectionist tendencies.

 I could go on about how my new schedule includes a new look at spring/fall cleaning, but I figure I could be boring you with such mundane aspects of my life. Heehee. I will say this, washing trim along the floor at twenty-six weeks pregnant isn't as simple as you might think. I once read that you know you are pregnant if you bend over to pick something up off the floor and you look around to see if there is anything else that needs doing while you are down there anyway. It's true.

 We have been working on getting Makenna's room ready for her arrival. So far, we have purchased a crib and a glider to put in there. I LOVE SHOPPING FOR HER. It has taken great restraint on my part to not just go crazy and buy all the cute little girly things I see. I suppose it's a very good thing I live so far from town. Haha! She has gotten extremely active in the last few weeks. I had no idea that these little ones could kick so hard and not seem to get exhausted. Some nights I will wake up three to four times during the night, and each time she will be wiggling away. My doctor has to laugh every time she tries to listen to her heartbeat. Last time, the little girly gave a few swift kicks directly at the Doppler stethoscope thingy the doctor puts on my tummy. Apparently, she wasn't too pleased about something. I can hardly wait to meet her and see if she is really as feisty as she appears to be. :)

 I've been listening to the book of Genesis as I work the last few days and enjoying every minute of it. It has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible. It's just story after story of these amazing people, I find it inspiring. Today's story was of Abram and Sarai and the way God led them out of Ur. I had to marvel at Sarai and the way she followed Abram through everything. I wondered if she ever thought he was just plain crazy for leaving his homeland and traveling to an unknown city. I also had to wonder if I would be able to be as supportive of my husband as she appeared to be. I guess the Lord gives strength and grace in those times that you need it most. Just some random thoughts that I've been having this afternoon... :)

Until next time... Maac

On snowmen, baby bumps, and lazy days...

I'm not going to lie, I have been putting off updating this blog because I don't really have anything to say. I am not sure what I can share about my life in this small town, that would be interesting enough to share...


We got our first snow! It barely covered the ground, but it was still exciting to wake up and see a semi white world out the window.

Naturally, I rushed out to the shop to dig out my winter decorations. Yes, I'm aware that it's not even Thanksgiving. But it SNOWED! It was very hard on me to put my snowmen away last... hmm... it MAY have been summer before I sorrowfully packed them away. Truthfully, I would probably leave them out year round, but Chris kept reminding me that it was warm out and I really could think of no reason to justify leaving them out any longer. So into a box and out to the shop they went. But, now it has snowed, and they are back out and happily smiling down at me from the top of my cabinets. Of course, I can't help but smile when I look at them, too. Even Chris had to admit that the house felt very cozy with my winter décor back where it belongs.

 

 

So... at seventeen weeks, I'm starting to develop a baby bump.

It feels like progress, so part of me is super excited. But then, there's the side of me that is sorta scared, too. I look in the mirror at the new me and I wonder if I'll ever have the old me back. I know I should be happy and grateful that my body is capable of this miracle. And I am. I know it'll be worth everything when I finally get to hold this little punkin'... but, I just want to have my old self back in the end. (sigh) Is that very selfish and childish of me? I feel guilty to not be enjoying all the changes happening to me... I mean, who is this new woman? And what have you done with the me that I lived with for the last twenty-nine years? I would find this totally bearable if I could just know that things would all go back to normal in the end. I don't like feeling fat and bloated. I don't enjoy the... umm... (in a hushed voice) gas. Seriously, what does THAT have to do with baby growing?

 

But in all honesty, my pregnancy is steadily improving. I've finally started believing the folks who kept saying, "It'll get better. You won't be sick forever." It is true. It's such a relief to actually want to do something other than lie on the couch and wish I could just sleep. Sadly, I've never been a napper. As in, I can't nap. There were times I barely slept during the entire night, but was I able to sleep during the day to make up for it? Nope. Apparently, my mind won't let my body sleep as long as the sun is up. It made for an exhausting several weeks. Now I'm brimming with energy most days. It's so good. I can't thank God enough for feeling so much better the last couple of weeks. Now, if I could think of something other than what I should eat next...

 

Chris has been super busy at the tire shop. The first snow brings in a LOT of business, as people want to order/put on their winter tires. He's been so busy, he barely gets time to even stop working long enough to eat lunch. They are planning to stay open late tonight and also open for a few hours on Saturday. I'm sure the over time hours will look nice on his paycheck, but... I like having my husband home at five every evening, and I definitely enjoy having him around all day on Saturday.

 

Like I mentioned previously, there really isn't anything too exciting or interesting happening around this neighborhood these days... and I like it like this. I prefer this sort of life over the kind we had a few weeks back while Chris's dad was in the hospital. Those sort of overly-stressed-out days make these laid back, just-enjoying-my-cozy-house days look like special gifts from God.

 

Well, I suppose I should finish up here and go check on the turkey I have in the oven. Food. Yum! Maybe I should go see if there is anything worth snacking on in the fridge... since I'm going to be in the kitchen anyway.

 

Love, Maac

 

 

 

I Ain't No Quitter...

So... I started a blog. Not this one. The one I started and gave up on. I discovered I'm good at starting things... and then giving up on them. The fact that I started a blog and quit blogging shortly afterward did not reveal this fault in my character to me. I've been aware of this particular flaw for quite some time. I'm a planner, an organizer, a list maker. I LOVE MAKING LISTS. But I'm not good at following through...

I have determined that needs to change. I want to be a finisher. I want to be able at the end of my life to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have FINISHED the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7) You see, I know that this particular weakness of mine doesn't only affect my ability to follow through with my desire to be organized and finish the projects that I start. It also impacts the way God is able to use me. There have been countless times that God has revealed to me a shortcoming in my life or some goal He wants me to strive toward, and I eagerly attack it. I want to change. But, two weeks down the road, I've entirely forgotten what He was asking of me and quit fighting for the best things in life.

But, now I'm expecting. A baby, that is. Inside of me a new wee little life is being formed. And I will be its mommy. It will look up to me for guidance. My shortcomings will impact this little one like no one else. I want to be the best mommy that I can be. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. I want our wee one to see Jesus in me. Jesus was a finisher. He finished what He came to earth to do. I, too, must finish what I've been put on earth to do. Whether it be something as simple as the meal planning I want to do, or some grand plan to reach out to my neighbors. Let me tell you, that is no easy task for an introvert  like me. It involves talking to people I don't know...

This blog is going to be tangible evidence that I am not a quitter. I may not have much to say. No one may ever care to read my scribbles. That isn't important. What is important, is that I promised someone I would write a blog. I am determined to finish what I start.