"Your will be done."

"God sees the tears of a brokenhearted soul
He sees your tears and hears them when they fall
God weeps along with man and He takes him by the hand
Tears are a language that my God, He understands."

-Gordon Jensen

 

 

"I think she has a fever again."

It was the middle of the night. Two o'clockish. 

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Yeah, I wanted to be a mommy. But I had signed up for a perfect baby. Hadn't we prayed EVERY night for our sweet baby to be strong and healthy? And, here we were, contemplating taking our six day old baby to the emergency room for the third time in a five day stretch.

Being a brand new mommy was supposed to be fun. I just wanted to cuddle my little one and enjoy getting to know her. It just wasn't supposed to be so... hard.

 

Group B Strep Meningitis. She had all the symptoms: the arched neck, the fever, the high pitched cry, and the seizures. That twitching, we had thought it odd, but we were told it was just her adjusting to the dryness of being out of the womb. Who were we to question a doctor?

 

 

Over the next two and a half weeks, while watching our wee princess fight for her life, my mouth said things like,

"Your will be done."

But inwardly I rebelled.

It was so unfair. What had our beautiful baby done to deserve such suffering? If God was allowing this to teach us something, well, why her and not us? And if anyone should suffer, what about the incompetent emergency room staff that could have prevented this in the first place. At times, I felt overcome with such peace, I knew God was there. Right there with us in that little room holding our baby when we couldn't. But, other times, like when Chris was praying for God's will to be done, my heart would lash out in anger. It was shocking. I didn't quite know how to deal with this frustration and complete helplessness.

 

Slowly she improved, and soon the day came where we were able to carry our little bundle out of the hospital with us. Oh, it was so good to be back in our own little home again. But, just a few days later, we received more unwanted news. Due to the meningitis leaving scars on her brain, Makenna's spinal fluid wasn't able to drain the way it should. She would need surgery to put a shunt in. Then would follow the months and years of CT scans and visits to the doctor to be sure everything was working as it should.

 

 

 Oh, how the tears flowed that night before the surgery. It seemed our little Makenna just couldn't catch a break. That everything that could go wrong, would go wrong. Where was our loving Heavenly Father? Didn't He hear, or care, when we had asked Him to heal her and make her strong? 

 

"Your will be done."

 

As the weeks went by, I was able to be okay with Kenna's sickness. I was no longer angry. I didn't understand, but I no longer felt like I HAD to know why this had happened. Just because God didn't handle the situation the way I would have preferred Him to, didn't mean that He didn't care.

 

Last night, I laid Makenna in her little bed; Chris and I sat there looking at her precious little face. Chris was talking to her, saying something about us watching over her and God watching over us. I asked,

"Do you think God watches over us with as much adoration as we watch over Kenna?"

"I think so."

"He can't. We do everything in our power to keep Makenna from harm and to let her feel loved. He lets bad things happen to her and us."

 

"Yeah, but He sees the big picture. We are watching over Kenna's well-being. He is watching over our souls."

 

The simple words hit home. 

It's not about only allowing good things to happen. It's not just about us "feeling" His care and love. It's about the big picture. 
 
 

No, I don't know how God has used and is using Makenna's sickness to care for our souls or the souls of others, but I am not doubting His goodness today. I don't have to understand. I just need to trust.

 

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."

-Oswald Chambers

 

So, God, Your will be done. Today and always.